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How do you begin when asking your spouse about their affair? You are probably bursting with questions, but also with uncertainty about whether you really want to know the answers. You might doubt whether you can trust their answers after so many lies. Infidelity expert Dr. Shirley P. Glass prescribes 10 questions to help couples working through an affair organize their discussions. This article covers questions The remaining questions will be in a forthcoming Bellevue online married woman.
This discussion gets at the motivation and the mentality behind the affair. What attracted you to your affair partner? How did you excuse your relationship with your affair partner? Were you more worried about the consequences of being unfaithful or getting caught? Talking through these questions helps identify why you were vulnerable to an affair, and how to prevent that in the future. A common initiator of infidelity is developing an emotional relationship, particularly one that includes discussing marriage problems. This is a huge no-no. As a result, when a relationship becomes emotionally intimate, men tend to sexualize it.
Women tend not to cheat unless they are in unhappy marriages. They often use the emotional relationship they develop with their affair partner to substitute what they do not have with their spouse. A man may bond with a woman who is not his wife over interests his wife does not share. Or he may bond with her because she allows him to play a role he cannot with his wife.
Glass gave the example of a man who began an affair with a co-worker in an unhappy marriage who had grown up poor. Sometimes it is purely physical. That was what attracted King David to Bathsheba. I Samuel 11 does not offer much insight into his thought process between seeing Bathsheba and sending for her.
But it does not appear there was an emotional connection between David and Bathsheba.
He saw a woman he was attracted to, and used his political power to have sex with her. Asking about any guilt your spouse felt when they strayed reveals their sense of integrity. Believe it or not, some people never feel guilty about cheating. Some immediately regret agreeing to extramarital sex. Others may feel guilty, but not enough to keep them away from the illicit relationship.
People act on their guilt about their first extramarital sexual encounter in a lot of different ways. Because it feels so good. In a normal relationship, the initial euphoria fades well before the second year. Affairs stay thrilling for years because of the tension, adrenaline, and subterfuge that goes along with infidelity.
Only with great determination are they able to break the spell. People knowing something is wrong and doing it anyway is not exactly new. Or, as we saw with David and Bathsheba; David knew what he did was wrong. But David was not thinking about all this when he saw Bathsheba.
He thought only of how attractive she looked bathing on the roof, and how much he desired to have her. Many affairs begin for one reason, but continue for another. For example, some begin as casual friendships, or are solely sexual, but eventually develop a powerful emotional bond.
Others grow from an emotional connection, but are sustained by great sex. And sometimes they are caused by a spouse stepping out during a marital slump, but being unable to end it when their marriage improves because the affair has taken on a life of its own. You also need to get at the root of what ended the affair. It takes time for the involved spouse to get over their relationship with their affair partner.
They mourn it as would anyone who has had to break up with someone they cared about. This process will differ depending on whether they ended it on their own, or when they got caught. The act of infidelity is not about the person who was betrayed—it is about the person who did the betraying. Many affairs begin when an unhappy spouse finds a sympathetic ear for their marriage woes.
Understandably, after the affair ends, the betrayed partner is desperate to know what their spouse shared with their affair partner. Talking about what was shared helps gauge the emotional intimacy of the affair and get at the heart of loyalty issues in the marriage.
While some unfaithful spouses are candid about the flaws they perceive in their mates and their relationship, some are not. Not all affairs initiate from unhappy marriages. These involved spouses may praise their spouse and marriage to their affair partner. On the other hand, some unfaithful spouses compartmentalize both relationships. Talking about an affair is difficult, which is why so many couples avoid it and inevitably make more trouble for themselves.
Refusing to discuss an affair is like keeping garbage in a box under your sink and never throwing it out. They can personalize their approach to your marriage. A professional Christian counselor will help you understand what caused the affair, guide you through the repair process, and teach you how to prevent future infidelity. Deal-with-an-affair Flickr user Ed Yourdon.
You were created in the image of God for the purpose of Bellevue online married woman Him glory. Perhaps you are currently in a season in which you do not feel Bellevue online married woman you are bringing glory to God. Maybe you are even questioning whether you were made in His image. Many people reach a point in their lives when they feel stuck. articles by Benjamin ». Barney Armstrong Sexual Boredom in an When a couple is committed to one another in a caring relationship, there is a natural progression in their physical Benjamin Deu.
Glass, Ph. D with Jean Coppock Staeheli How do you begin when asking your spouse about their affair? Like us if you are enjoying this content.
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