Added: Sharissa Chacon - Date: 05.07.2021 10:23 - Views: 28816 - Clicks: 8489
The scandals are growing. Our children —whether in school or at home—likely notice the furor. Especially if they are now adolescents or emerging adults, the issue of appropriate sexual conduct and boundaries is crucial to their survival. And, today, I was asked by a media outlet to comment on all of this from two viewpoints: first, what children and families should learn and teach; and, second, what is going on in workplaces and colleges. I mean, how can a man understand what women feel?
But because of your expertise, I would like to know your perspective. If our present MeToo movement devolves into us vs. Alphas and other people in power—most of them men, but not all—have long used sexual favors and sexual aggression to exact narcissistic and personal pleasure from people of less power—often women. As a father of daughters, I celebrate the MeToo movement. Traumatized voices are being heard and our culture is newly committed to the principle that people who do bad things sexually should absolutely be held able.
Workplaces are already moving toward more in-depth sexual Adult wants real sex Boundary training, again. Kevin Spacey was fired off the set of the new J. Paul Getty movie and Christopher Plummer put it at the last minute. Change is occurring. Men in power in Washington are reing. In some ways, this may be a new conversation for many people, but in many ways, it is not new. I have two personal involvements in this debate, and both pull me toward a deeper dive.
First, my own childhood.
As some of you may know from references in my books, I was a victim of sexual abuse and sexual assault at 10 years old. I survived and have thrived beyond that trauma, but those six months of abuse and then the very difficult aftermath involved a lack of sexual boundaries between someone in power and. The experience took me into ten years of therapy and healing. Those years of internal work also impressed in me a calling. Because I suffered violence and constant powerlessness, I have empathy for others who suffer, across the spectrum—female, male, trans, straight, gay, black, brown, white, and all others.
Because my sexual boundaries became amorphous, I understand how crucial it is to teach children and adults values-based sexual boundaries. My abuser was, like many of the alphas losing their jobs today, ambitious for narcissistic sexual power—he was also, I believe, mentally ill.
I recently learned that he experienced depression in his adult years and, after facing trial for other abuses, committed suicide. As his victim, I could have turned out the same way he did, as can anyone who is a victim of ongoing violence, but, instead, I became a student of gender dynamics. Rather than narcissistic, I feel humble in the face of both the scientific miracle and, at times, monster, sexual power is and can be. But both the paucity of her approach and her thin, to my mind, assumptions about such a complex relational issue tore at my heart.
A social debate about sexual boundaries should be a primal debate. It should be and is one about which I feel qualified to speak. My second personal involvement is not personal but professional. I began my post-academic career in the world of corporate sexual harassment training.
In Leadership and the Sexes and on www. Some were Fortune companies. In the past two decades of doing this work, I noticed both the possibility and impossibility of legislating sexual dynamics. Most people in a workplace over a period of decades will likely feel some kind of sexual confusion at some point. Research has indicated for decades that men feel more sexual confusion than women; men tend to be more awkward in their sexual dance.
But most women, too, at some point, will feel feelings for someone that surprise them, and in many cases, they will act on those feelings. Smart Adult wants real sex Boundary know this. If they are, that workplace will generally find itself less productive and worse at team-building than the next corporation. Zero tolerance means immediate Adult wants real sex Boundary. We need to be very careful with this kind of thing. Zero tolerance for actions that are not criminal nor hostile generally ruins a workplace.
Zero tolerance for any female discomfort may be coming back. Real, hostile, dangerous sexual harassment goes on. It goes beyond a person feeling flattered by the attention on Tuesday but disliking it on Friday because it caused discomfort. These distinctions—and these painful realities for victims—can be discussed with our children and young people and, I believe, should be, when they reach an age of cognizance of sex.
To explore the difference between discomfort, which adults can respond to, and hostile sexual action, let me use cases we are all reading about. In one case, Roy Moore, who is running for the Senate, allegedly propositioned a of early to middle teen girls when he was in his thirties—he is twice that old now. Because this involves hebephilia, love of an adolescent it is a form of pedophilia in part because he apparently did it a of times and in part because he had power over these adolescents.
The sheer difference in age provided that power, and if these allegations are true, his alleged actions fit the definition of sexual harassment, and he should not be a leader who will legislate the lives of children in the Senate. In a different case, Garrison Keillor, a man in his seventies, lost his job as a beloved radio show host because he allegedly touched the back of a woman while giving her a hug.
I have to ask: What, here, warrants the firing of this man from his job? Only in the most Puritanical world in which human beings are not allowed physical touch, would this inadvertent—or, even if advertent—flirting gesture rise to the level of a crime against this woman. Workplace productivity, now robbed of a man of ificant reputation and clout, declines and without gain, neither for the woman who was touched on the back, nor any other woman or man.
Touching someone without hostility and without groping of sexual parts has to be proven criminal or dangerous, to me. A punitive workplace that is punitive without ificant reason—i. But the woman felt uncomfortable, one might say. Those of us who know what sexual assault is know the difference.
For you, the line between assault and awkwardness, violence and aggression, groping and touching, or crime and confusion may be different than the line I am trying to draw, but you must have a line, and I hope it will be a realistic one. If you believe that every discomfort should lead to punishment, you will likely find yourself regretting that belief, especially if you have sons.
Twenty years as a corporate trainer has taught me: there are millions of men, invisible in this conversation, who have felt very uncomfortable in the face of things women do in their workplaces. Once these men speak up, their lawsuits will cost taxpayers—when government agencies are involved— and private companies when they are not, hundreds of millions of dollars. One way to get at that difference is to agree on definitions for sexual harassment that involve repetitive patterns of sexual aggression. Hopefully this definition is helpful and hopefully we can teach our children to become adults who for what is happening around them, and retain values throughout that ing.
Teaching this ing will mean helping children understand where they stand in competing social trends. In the first set of trends, we live in a society that portrays—and thus, encourages—nearly all sexual behavior. With the exception of rape and pedophilia, which are, thankfully, presented as criminal and detestable, sexual flirting, touching, groping, manipulation, and power plays are everywhere.
In some TV shows and movies, women have sexual power over men female-driven sit coms, for instance ; in others, men have sexual power over women male-driven action movies, for example. Children learn what they see and they see women and men doing thousands of things during a media-saturated childhood that involve sexual boundaries crossed over as people seek to love and be loved; gain power and then lose it; feel feelings and then feel even more intense feelings. An example: last night, Gail and I watched the final episode of Longmirea quality police drama on Netflix set in rural Wyoming.
In all five seasons, there has been sexual tension between the two le, Sheriff Longmire and his deputy, Victoria Vic Morelli.
The two of them, despite the power differential, have experienced sexual tension together —sometimes pursuing it with flirting and mutual camaraderie and twice with actual sex. There have been times when both felt uncomfortable with the other. But HR was never called. Whatever our moral take on that, the show provides one of countless examples of sexual boundaries being blurred in media that you can talk about with early to middle adolescents. These are images to show children when they are old enough to understand.
This is our reality. Meanwhile, these stories, movies, TV shows can help girls understand the difference between power-over and discomfort-during. I have two daughters, both now grown. They relied on me for part of their education and I was always honest with them about how complex the sexual dance in the workplace was.
They knew what I did for a living. Sex and power were intertwined, I helped them to see. There are gray areas in sex and love that you have to remain conscious of. But you could rightly say that all of this still does not resolve the obvious Adult wants real sex Boundary issue. Some of the context for this policy comes in response to allegations like those leveled at Bill Cosby, who is accused of putting women to sleep in order to have sex with them.
I hope we all agree this is a crime, not only because of the invasion but also his power over the women. But I wonder about the Al Franken reation. Years ago, he allegedly groped various women on a USO trip and other show business venues. What is going on here? Louis CK allegedly masturbated in front of women who gave consent, but since they were not his equals, could they really give consent? This is a powerful case to discuss with adolescents. They are adults who gained assets from the sexual transaction and were quite capable of consent.
Of course, this is December 7.Adult wants real sex Boundary
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Characteristics of Sexually Healthy Adults